the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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