So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
