Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
