Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
