Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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