What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
meet me or not, i'm out of control
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
