i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
