my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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