i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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