How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
