they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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