I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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