My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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