I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
