It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Send help, water and tortillas.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
