Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
