I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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