My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize