the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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