Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I think I just sharted jello shots
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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