apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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