Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
