I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Blood and glitter go together right?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
