Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
