the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
