i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
