Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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