I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
