Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
