The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Randomize
