apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
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