dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I could make wine with my vomit
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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