Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
