Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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