Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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