I am puke
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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