But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
