Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
