I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
