I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
