Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
