i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
