That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
