"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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