Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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