sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My dick has a subreddit
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize