M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
