She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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