Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
