Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
