I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
