i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
