cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
And then he peed in my hair
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