Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
