I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
