it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize