on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
