Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
