ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
