White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
