I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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